DIARY
– ENTHUSIASM – I’d love to go into the weird asynchronicity between the things I feel and the things I do these days. To add a little bit of relevance to the mix, I’m pretty sure Jessica is going through the same thing. Moods go up and down: sometimes there is such an extent of promise in the world and power in our actions that finding a productive outlet for frenetic energy is its own obstacle… and other times I just want to like in bed and sleep, at 2 PM or 2 AM. Or neither. On the other hand, I spend most of my time being very productive.
– EDUCATION – This is very a different kind of intensity than last year. Last year my relationship was, not dependent, but directed daily by the extent to which we’d put the wedding together. Even more, my future career was driven by my ability to get into grad school. Two very concrete things, and in certain ways non-negotiable.
This year, by contrast, I’m back in the fuzzy territory of academics, where I’m much more comfortable. Yes, I’m a million pages behind in reading, but two-thirds of those pages are voluntarily taken on to enhance my growth and abilities in my two years here: teachers’ recommendations, assignments for my optional workshop, personal projects, and so on. And, of course, they almost all have some degree of flexibility. I never did finish the Proust. I compensated by taking very good notes and promising myself to sound particularly insightful when we talk about Don DeLillo next week. Don DeLillo’s book is only 200 pages, by contrast.
– NEW YORK LIFE – This is also counterbalanced by the weird fact of life in New York. For the first time in about a decade, I’m trying not to think about where I’ll eventually live. I haven’t changed my mind or opinions about anything, I’m just trying to recognize that the subject isn’t at issue right now.
But this is offset by the weirdness of being in New York. It’s not a criticism, but it’s hard for me to put into words how weird it feels to be living here. Chicago is, of course, as close to a second home as any I’ve had, but my time in Ohio, California, and even Romania felt more… settled in a way that this. I don’t know what it is… certainly not the degree of difference, but maybe the kind of difference. I’m enjoying everything there is to see and experience here, and at the same time, I don’t think it’s a place in which either Jess or I feel settled.
The weird result is almost similar to my ten-day workshop in Granville, Ohio, when I was seventeen. I almost feel like this is an extended conference or spring-break.
– IN CONCLUSION – So while I’m busier than ever, the pressure is less. While I’ve got a new home that I’m endlessly fascinated by, I’m a perpetual visitor and tourist. There’s always more to do, and so I work on it, constantly, but working on it and feeling like working on it are not always the same. Sometimes the energy comes at 2 PM. Sometimes it comes at 2 AM. When the energy comes, I try to get up and read or write or any of the other dozen things I do on a daily basis.
– EXEGESIS – And now I have to go to my second job tutoring. In fact, if I’m not out the door in three minutes, I’ll probably be late.
QUESTION OF THE DAY:
– Who’s finally going to kick the bucket this year?
END OF POST.