EVENT: WOLFBARONXYLO
What a fucked up country this is.
Politics… hmmf.
Here are some Cliff’s notes for you, if you haven’t been paying attention:
They are lying. All of them. Because you are not paying attention.
Let’s review.
And just so you know, I’m only going to cite a couple of sources, because I am not getting paid to write. If your fact checker does find a mistake here, most likely you are wrong. E-mail complaints to Kingrandom@earthlink.net. However, be warned that Xylo the Wolf Baron is a mean and godless motherfucker.
Liberals lie.
Examples? Catastrophic man-made global warming, the dangers of second hand smoke, the benefits of homeopathic medicine, the dangers of GM crops, etc. Liberals lie to make us afraid, so that they can increase regulations to protect us from ourselves. This ties into anti-corporatism. The big anti-corporation liars are generally recognizable by their scientific illiteracy, and their terrorist like tactics. That is to say, groups like Greenpeace, PETA, etc. Sometimes these lies can lead to good things. Global warming bullshitery tends to reduce overall pollution. Clean air is nice. Sometimes it leads to bad things. We capriciously ban DDT, despite the fact that is could save millions of people from dying of malaria.
Moderates lie.
But they usually aren’t that good at that. Some of them barely say anything at all, aside from recapping past event. Some take a neutral position on most topics. Others take both positions on a single topic, even if it is logically puzzling. You’ll find a lot of doormats, pleasers, and wimps in this category. Moderates tend to bore the piss out of me with their remarkable lack of nutsack.
Neo-conservatives are the best liars.
See, when liberals lie, they usually don’t understand the truth. When neo-cons lie, they often do so in the face of irrefutable contrary evidence. And when the truth interminably comes out, they change history. They lie so much about so much let’s just focus on one common example:
Why are we at war with Iraq? (grouped first by topic, then by chronology.)
1. 9-11, Saddam and Osama are buddies.
Oops, that’s not true. I never said that.
2. 9-11, Saddam and ALKIDA ( sic.) are buddies.
That’s no really true either. I guess what I meant to say was-
3. A couple of terrorists were in Iraq. 9-11!
Ah shit, a couple of terrorists lived in Buffalo too. Well I guess we’ll go to-
4. Weapons of Mass Destruction! 9-11!
We don’t need to finish inspections. We know he has them. We even know exactly where they are… Wait what’s this that the AP says:
Contradicting the main argument for a war that has cost more than 1,000 American lives, the top U.S. arms inspector reported Wednesday that he found no evidence that Iraq produced any weapons of mass destruction after 1991. He also concluded that Saddam Hussein’s weapons capability weakened during a dozen years of U.N. sanctions before the U.S. invasion last year.
Wait hold, on maybe over- I tell you it’s always the last place you look. Well, we never said he had them, what we meant was-
5. 9-11! Saddam was making Weapons of Mass Destruction! He was advancing I tell you!
Hmm, this AP thing again:
Contrary to prewar statements by President Bush and top administration officials, Saddam did not have chemical and biological stockpiles when the war began and his nuclear capabilities were deteriorating, not advancing, according to the report by Charles Duelfer, head of the Iraq Survey Group.
Shit the bed. What I really said was-
6. Saddam had intentions to start making WMDS, and subsequently use them on Americans. 9-11! He hates America because of it’s freedom!
Except…
Interviews with Saddam left Duelfer’s team with the impression that Saddam was more concerned about Iran and Israel as enemies than he was about the United States. Saddam appeared to hold out hope that U.S. leaders would ultimately recognize that it was in the country’s interest to deal with Iraq as an important, secular, oil-rich Middle Eastern nation, the report found.
7. Well, you see the Iraqis love us and are really better off-
Okay so maybe their country is in chaos, and 50,000 of them are dead, but at least we’re not torturing them like Saddam would. Oh we are? At least we aren’t rapin- that too huh? It’s not like we’re indifferently gunning down unarmed civilians… Oh shit well we’re doing that too.
8. 9-11 changed things. Our oceans don’t keep us safe anymore.
Remember how safe our oceans made us feel during the cold war?
9. We hate brown people, but love their oil!
Oh wait, that’s just not right.
I’m not actually sure right now what reason they currently give for this war, if any. When confronted with the topic, everyone jumps to why we must stabilize Iraq, as opposed to why we destabilized it in the first place. In my head, W looks straight into the camera and says, “I didn’t like Saddam’s face!” I actually prefer that reasoning to the old “God told me so” answer he has given a couple of times.
How can everybody be lying?
Keep you doped with religion and sex and TV
And you think you’re so clever and classless and free
But you’re still fucking peasants as far as I can see
They hate you if your clever, and they despise a fool. They lie, because you sleep. And not in a Matrix sense, because those movies are garbage. The average man doesn’t know how a microwave works. He thinks supernatural forces are guiding events. He votes for the taller candidate with the better tie.
Right now in our country, Creationism is being taught as science. Sylvia Brown is lying about somebody’s dead relative on Montel. Congressmen are trying to give the FCC power to charge individuals fines of half a million dollars over what they arbitrarily call indecent. Right, John Kerry is being called a flip-flopper for slightly modifying his world views over the last 30 years. Right now our collective attention span can only handle issues in sound bites. We need the world dumbed-down for us. If we care to get news, we require a filter to make sure none of it is upsetting. Americans don’t like external truths invading our beliefs. We all think we have it figured out, and seek only the information to prove ourselves right. Our leaders like it this way. They think it makes their job easier, because it, in essence, nullifies democracy.
Ah, sweet censorship and propaganda. The two greatest tools of manipulation. The wonderful thing about censorship is that it effects the poor most. Think about it. If you can afford cable TV you can see and hear things that is not allowed on broadcast TV. If you can afford satellite, you can hear things they don’t allow on FM or AM. And who dictates what the poor people can hear and see, and subsequently THINK? A few nutjobs. People who believe that the Earth was made in 7 days because a 5,000 year old story says so, are telling you what you and your kids should be able to watch.
People were up in arms over Janet Jackson’s nipple. A nipple. A functional female body part that has nothing intrinsically to do with sex. This is somehow going to damage our children. The indecency of it all? What’s next? The back of the neck? Is a woman going to expose her ankles?
And remember you can’t say fuck on the networks. Heaven forbid.
You can however show all the sweet violence in the world though. As long as one of two conditions is met. Condition the first, it is on the news. There anything goes. Soldiers gunning down kids, exploding busses, you name it. Or it must meet condition the second, the violence must have no consequences. You can shoot the bad guys, as long as the bad guys aren’t shot. Let me elaborate. Life is not like a videogame. In most videogames, the bad guys vaporized after they are hit enough times. They fade away. In reality, getting shot hurts, a lot, but it rarely instantly kills. People tend to suffer. Whether they are deemed good, evil, smart or stupid. They bleed. But our culture will not let us think about this. The idea cannot come into our heads that a human might just be a collection of steaks that dreams it has a soul. Too depressing.
But who should I vote for?
The whole bloody point if for everybody to figure it out his or her self. But I will give you notes.
A. A third party vote this year is meaningless. Two guys got a shot at winning. Deal.
B. Ask yourself, are you better off than you were 4 years ago? The President of the US is not responsible for everything that goes right or wrong with the nation. However, he is in the quarterback role, and thus takes the blame for bad and credit for the good. Let’s quickly overview the last 4 years.
1. Poverty has increased every year of the Bush presidency after decreasing every one of the seven years previous.
2. The Bush economy has been the first since Herbert Hoover to lose more jobs than it has created.
3. The deficit has increased every year of the Bush presidency. Previously, Clinton turned a deficit steadily into a surplus.
4. Over 1,000 Americans are dead. The reasons given for this have changed numerously.
5. The rest of the world has grown to dislike us immensely.
6. 9-11 occurred. The accused perpetrator has not been caught.
7. North Korea and Iran have increased nuclear capabilities. (or if you are Bush, nukular)
8. The United States has broken it’s own anti nuclear proliferation promises.
9. Bush stated the vast majority of his tax cuts were going to the poorest people. Yet the richest 1 percent received over 1/3 of the benefit of these tax cuts.
10. Cost of living increase has greatly outpaced income increase.
11. Johnny Cash has died.
That last one is probably not the fault of the current administration.
C. Do you consider yourself progressive? AKA Liberal? Your not gonna want to vote for Bush. As a species liberals tend to dislike Bush, even the lesbians! Liberals will vote for notBush. Kerry happens to be the other guy.
D. Are you a Goldwater conservative? Well Bush has shown himself to be fiscally conservative. He has increased the size of government. Bush says he wants to balance the budget, but also says he will not reduce spending nor cut taxes. Kerry seems to have a plan to balance the budget here on Earth. It is probably very boring though.
E. Do you care about service to the country? I don’t. To compare, Bush cut in line to get into the Guard to avoid service in Vietnam. Kerry volunteered for Vietnam. Bush was grounded for missing a flight physical, got transferred to parts unknown, went missing, showed up again, and left before his commitment was up in order to go to grad school. Kerry also left his service prematurely because he had managed to be injured in battle three times, acquired three purple hearts (and some other medals/ribbons), and went on to protest the atrocities of that conflict.
F. We are at “war.” Maybe… Mission was Accomplished, then wasn’t. There is some sort of war on terror, that Bush says we both can and cannot win. We don’t change Presidents during official wars, but that doesn’t tend to hold up for the other conflicts. Especially the losing efforts. In the last hundred years we have officially declared war twice. Both times we were on the winning side. Both times Democrats were President.
G. Hate abortion? Neither candidate will make anybody get an abortion. That is all that matters.
H. Hate the gays? Both candidates are against gay marriage. Bush’s proposed amendment however should make all true conservatives cringe because, say it with me now, it unnecessarily steps into the domain of STATES RIGHTS.
I. Like checks and balances? Right now both Houses are red. The executive Branch is red. The Supreme court is slightly red. Now, between 2 and 4 Supreme court justices are on the way out. That is to say the man who wins next month will appoint them. That is to say Bush or Kerry will decide the swing of the Judicial Branch. I believe Roe v. Wade currently stands by a 5 to 4 margin.
That’s all for now. I’ll leave you with that old proverb:
Where there is doubt, there is freedom.
-X
No Polish were filmed in the harming of this picture. Three were eaten with mustard.
Email Connor at connor@afterdusk.org if you have any questions.
EDIT: Just tweaked the code in this post so it had the same font size as the others. Connor.