DIARY
Dear Friends,
Of course I didn’t break up with Jessica!
It was all an April Fools ploy, but I’m surprised how many people actually fell for it.
For future reference, you may find the following observations useful when determining whether or not I’m pulling your leg.
1. I am typically the dumpee. Not the dumper.
Statistically, this has been true about 80% of the time. So any claim that I have “broken up” with someone should be viewed with skepticism.
2. I am typically gloomy and morose after a breakup.
I probably would not send out glib mass-email about “only being young once.” Rather, I would lay around my apartment in my black pajamas, listening to Tori Amos and Michael Stipe, making low moaning sounds to myself, weeping tender tears, and opening all the windows so my room might be as cold as my sad and neglected soul.
3. I would not date Jessica Simpson.
Nor would she probably date me. Let’s face it: we’re not made for each other. I think she’s got weird lips and eyebrows, and she hates it when I ramble on the music industry cracking down on students who download free music. That, and she’s married.
Bear in mind these three observations, and you shall not be led astray…
~ Connor